life

The eroding self-doubt

April 23, 2016
jolielaura_theeroding_selfdoubt2

I’ve been having some pretty rough hours of sleep lately. I just fiddle and fiddle with the thought that I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough.

There it is. I said it.

***

I know you thought about this too. At least once.

So, the obvious thing to do is try and talk rationally with this irrational part of the mind, right?

***

‘Hi. I’ve heard you are going wacky and claiming depression. Do you wanna talk about it?’

‘No.’*sobs

‘Ok, then…it’s gonna be a hella long monologue.’

‘I don’t care.’ *gulps ice-cream

‘Listen, you’re acting all crazy. You claim you stopped comparing yourself to others, but, you still say you’re not good enough. Good enough in comparison to whom? Ha?’

‘I’m not good enough in comparison to myself.’

‘Oh, so you CAN talk!’

‘grr.’ *pretends to sob

‘Again, this is crazy! Just by thinking about it, today, you are definitely an improved version of who you were yesterday! And that’s brilliant!’

‘I’m still not good enough.’ *reaches for the second carton of ice-cream

‘What’s enough?! You in a mental and physical meltdown? THAT’S ENOUGH?! Let me break it down to you:  you’re never going to reach perfection. There’s no. such. Thing.

Deal with it. Accept who you are, keep your willpower to continuously improve yourself, but stop thinking you’re not good enough. You’re never going to reach that point where you’re gonna say:

‘That’s it. I’m enough. Now I can be happy’.

You wanna know why? Because you will never allow yourself to be happy and content with your accomplishments if you continue to think like this! You are always going to find flaws in yourself. You’ve got to embrace yourself, just as you are.’

‘Yeah, but Mozart composed at only 8 and…’

‘Oh, so, we’re back to the comparisons.’

‘No.’ * sniffs loudly ‘It’s just…look at all the people around. They all live successful lives. They organize stuff, they have awesome businesses, they travel all the time, they have built amazing networks, they frequently do charity work and above all, they all seem incredibly happy. What do I have? An endless list of books to read and a constant and unfulfilled wish of doing something creative and meaningful with my life.’

‘That’s not true. You have these things too, you just…’

‘No, I don’t!’

‘You’re going to implode.’

‘Will you reverse count with me?’

‘No. Don’t do this.’

’10…

9…

8…

7…

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

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4 Comments

  • Reply Ella April 24, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Oh, my dear, what you see in others is what they let you see in them :). If they look happy that doesn’t mean that they are really happy. Ok, they may be happy, but, on the other hand, they may be jaded or just feeling gloomy. It’s a nonsense to compare one part of something (what you see in others) with all the parts of other (what you are as a whole person, how you perceive yourself).

    About the implosion, you know what they say: “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” (Ok, it’s not a common saying, it’s something that C.S. Lewis was saying :).)

    • Reply Laura June 3, 2016 at 9:54 pm

      My dear,
      You always know how to brighten my day and how to say the right things!
      Thank you so much!

  • Reply Julia April 25, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    I’ve been feeling the same lately and I’ve been searching for answers( or at least a similar situation) all over the internet!
    This was so well written, short and..perfect!
    This article is my band-aid.

    P.S.: I have a huge list of books to read too+ a wish to do something meaningful with my life.

    • Reply Laura June 3, 2016 at 9:56 pm

      My dear Julia,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope whatever you are going through will get better. I have a feeling it will.
      Please, never stop reading, dreaming and wanting to do something worthwhile.

      Sending you a virtual hug,
      Laura

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